This is the second time this week I’ve used that line on the internet. In any case, I’ve decided to do a trailer analysis of the new Pirates of the Caribbean trailer because I’ve got nothing better to do with my life.
Full disclosure: I put very real and serious thought into skipping this one because, for a variety of reasons that I’m sure you’re aware of, I have very little time for Johnny Depp at the moment. That being said, there are no other decent pirate movies, television programs or games of note about pirates in the near future to look forward to, Geoffrey Rush is in it and I’d watch that man read the White Pages, and a lot of this movie was filmed here and I want to support the local film industry if I can. So now that that’s...
...what was that?
Yes, I am aware Black Sails exists.
No, no, I said decent pirate media.
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s analyze a trailer.
Okay, whatever else you might say about this trailer, this shot is beautiful. Plus, we get everything we need in the very first second - the captain of this ship hunts pirates, and he is very good at what he does. Take notes, Lord Cutler ‘I Have Two Broadsides?’ Beckett. The choice of song is a bit obvious but I won’t judge the classics.
The ship is very definitely a war galleon and I think the pirates are all in brigs of various descriptions (think HMS Interceptor from the first film). I know nobody else cares about this but I do.
Here we see the Captain and his crew, and those who watched the last film can recognize them as Spanish. I’m not as well versed in Spanish uniforms from this period as I am with the British and French, so I’m not sure how accurate these are, but then again this movie series has a Kraken in it so who the hell cares?
Our antagonist (I think his name is Captain Salazar but I’m not sure) narrated, telling us that pirates have infested the seas for generations. Honestly I’m not finding a lot antagonistic about wanting to clear that up, but I have a problem with rooting for the Navy in these films (At World’s End notwithstanding - in any case, those guys were the East India Company so it’s okay to root against them).
After a few shots of wrecked ships and pirates overboard and a close up of Salazar, we get this shot of Spanish marines (I think they’re supposed to be marines, they’re soldiers and they’re on a ship after all) firing on a ship right next to them. In the interests of not being a rivet counter, I ignore that they’ve using British muskets.
I’m not sure how practical the towers at the back are but they’re pretty cool.
As for what's he's (edited to be) looking at, it's the one, the only...
OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE
I mean, it's not bad CGI, far from it, but there's just something distinctly creepy about this. I'm not even usually somebody who picks these things up - didn't notice them de-age Robert Downey Jr in Civil War and I thought Rogue One did a great job with Tarkin, but this just feels too smooth, you know? And the lighting looks just subtly off.
Oh, and there's the compass. I would have noticed it more except I was screaming.
We cut to Salazar and his ship giving chase to Jack's ship towards Improbable Triangle Island. I'm liking the set design here.
IT'S THE BLACK PEARL
Well, sort of. It seems the be the Black Pearl before it was famous, BUT STILL
Half of my brain thinks this is awesome. The other half is moaning 'oh, bullshit.' This is a totally unrealistic maneuver and if he tried it in real life Jack would be dead, but it's not really that kind of movie, so I'll shut up.
Salazar makes about the same face I did. Jack gives him the stink eye and it honestly makes him look kind of like a jerk.
In retrospect, it was a bad idea to contract Michael Bay to built the ship.
For some reason (maybe some genius stowed the powder right at the front of the ship), the ship explodes spectacularly and all the crew die. I honestly feel kind of bad for them. All they were doing was fighting pirates, man.
All of the cool ships die young. Narrator Salazar tells me this episode filled him with rage.
"Hi, I'm Captain Salazar! You might be wondering how I got into this situation! Well, it's a long
Anyway, it seems that Salazar is now a zombie goast
, thus establishing our anatagonist. It's a good start, although perhaps I'm sympathising with him a little too much. Good start Bruckheimer, let's see if it holds.
We cut to the present...
Captain Barbossa, the Pirate I Was Looking For, is consulting with some kind of...I'm not sure what that woman's supposed to be, to be honest. Anyway, Plot-Device Woman tells Barbossa that 'the dead have taken command of the sea'. Which means either zombies or the British have started sending their oldest admirals to the Caribbean to get them out of the way. One or the other.
I'm sorry, I can't resist.
Anyway, the Black Pearl
is still in a bottle. Still wondering how Blackbeard managed that, but ah well.
A woman in a cell writes mathematics on the wall. As you do.
We then cut to this, which I think is Salazar's ship, a little worse for wear but now capable of eating other ships. Fair trade.
I'm reasonably sure this is the Queen Anne's Revenge, although the lack of red sails gives me slight pause.
When a giant rotting galleon comes up to you, jumps out of the water and apparently towers above you, this is definitely the face you make. Barbossa narrates, telling me that he heard tales of a man who killed 'thousands' of pirates. Which seems excessive, I'm not sure there were that many pirates in the Caribbean at...it's not that kind of movie, I'll just shut up. We cut to Salazar correcting him - not men, pirates.
He's been through the wars, poor man.
We then get our protagonists looking dramatically at the camera, and also a bunch of British marines. Let's be honest, I already know who I'm rooting for. I make no apology.
I can't quite identify these two ships, but the one in the foreground looks like the early!Pearl, so it might be the chase from the start of the film.
Look how sad he looks
I just want to hug him
I don't think I'm supposed to sympathise with him but I will anyway
We get a scene of Jack saying that he once knew a Spanish captain named 'something in Spanish'. Ha.
A fellow in a British uniform warns Jack that Salazar is coming for him while we get shots of him attacking a Royal Navy officer.
We get a shot of Jack's grew. We can definately make out Gibbs and I think the short one (Marty) from the first three, and I have been told Murtogg and Mullroy should be somewhere in there too, but apart from that, I can't really recongnise anybody specific. We also get a shot of Jack sliding down a street because we've already shown physics the door here.
Then British chap realises Jack has no pants on.
Also, where the hell are that guy's crossbelts? He's out of proper uniform! Somebody put him on a charge!
I don't recognise this ship but I think it's the one Jack sails in lieu of the Pearl. I like it, looks nice.
I think this is some kind of volcanic island, and the ship in the background might be the Queen Anne's Revenge
again but I don't want to say anything concrete. I can definitely see Barbossa and possibly the Maths woman. The other guy's hard to make out but I think it's Scrum, the ancillary pirate from On Stranger Tides
Here's a good shot of Salazar's crew in daylight, so you can make up a bit of detail on them. He looks like he's about to dab here but I think he's making some kind of gesture. We can also see some prisoners tied up jkust behind foreground person, who I think could be Maths lady.
As Salazar demands Barbossa find Jack, we can get a decent look at what is definitely the deck of the Queen Anne's Revenge
Barbossa does his best Inspector Javert impression.
Hector Barbossa shoots the screen, and I wish he was the main character.
We see British fellow restrained as he yells 'from this moment on we are to be allies'. Not sure who he's yelling at. Jack? The British? Barbossa? Maths Lady? Who knows? Marine left has one heck of a war face, though.
Gallows rescue, because that's a standard trope (I don't mean that in a bad way). Also, joke about ankle touching. GET IT, BECAUSE PEOPLE IN OLDEN TIMES WERE PRUDES
We cut to Jack giggling. Very nice editor. Also, yep, that's definitely Marty.
Jack apparently upsets every marine in Port Royal. <s>Get him, lads.</s> We then see Jack jump of an exploding building, leading me to believe it's not just Jack that's the problem today.
We get a quick look at Jack the Monkey, The Best Character, and then we get this.
Bullshit. It's going to make money and they're going to want further money at some point and greenlight another one. Maybe it can be a prequel about Norrington or Davy Jones. Those would be lovely.
We get some scenes of Jack being chased by Salazar between two ships, and then we get this.
The Black Pearl. In the present, in the flesh. Aw yeah.
We get a few more shots of what I think might be the climax, and then the title. And then another HUEHUEHUE PAST PEOPLE ARE PRUDES joke.
I'm going to admit, I'm cautiously optimistic. It honestly looks pretty good from what I've seen, although Jack has reached the point where he's started to become exhausting. Maybe with other main characters to balance against this time, he'll be a bit better (he didn't quite have that in On Stranger Tides
, Barbossa aside, and I think he suffered for it.) In any case, I'll be keeping my eye on it.
Now, everybody go into the comments and tell me I'm wrong about Black Sails
being rubbish. Go on, off you go, you little scamps.